Nobody my age is a stranger to the stresses of life. I mean, it’s the first time you realise how shit life is. You might know someone who has it good. Maybe you’re jealous, maybe you’re not. They have a job, somebody special that they care about, parents who raised them with good morals, open to the thought of their children trying to do the best with what they’ve been given without judging them for the decisions they’ve made. You don’t hate these people because maybe they’re your friend. You’re proud because they’ve been able to take a shitty scenario and make it something worth standing back and appreciating.
Then there’s your life. A string of bad decisions have lead you to lead away from what your potential could have been. You started to take other people’s feeling and views to heart too much. You lose sight of the most important thing: it’s your life. You live others dreams or your shape your dreams to suit the whims of others. One wrong decision leads to panic, panic leads to another wrong decision. You don’t want to hate those you care about but the judgement crawls back to you and you go somewhere dark. Somewhere where you think things you didn’t think someone like you would ever think.
The worst thing is that others don’t realise the consequences of their actions. That’s the only thing that keeps my head on track. That at the end of the day, everybody else doesn’t understand. Doesn’t matter who it is, those who you hold close, the ones you’ve looked up to, expecting them to be able to help you and make it better, they just don’t understand. Once you realise that they’re human and not the superheroes you thought they were your whole life, you can move on. They can’t fix your problem, only you can. Bear the brunt of the consequences of your actions, you’re gonna have to. Life is shit, who would have thought? Just remember that those people aren’t perfect, no matter how much they think they have the answer and that makes them right and you wrong. They don’t get it but you do.
Those dark thoughts are the result of your brain thinking that you’ve run out of options, you’ve exhausted all the possibilities and the final resort is done. But if you’re like me and your final resort was faith in other people, you’re wrong. Nobody and I mean nobody else is the last resort. Keep moulding the shit you have that is your life, keep trying to make something, no matter how much those who you care about are not showing the same compassion back.
Oh, they may say that everything they do is because they love you and don’t get me wrong, they do. Of course they do. You are an amazing human being, what’s not to love. You took the utter shit that is life and have made it this far. Are you kidding me?! That deserves all the universal reward possible. But, when people say love is unconditional, it amazes me how many conditions there are in that saying. Every action of love shouldn’t be complicated. You make a wrong decision, others should show love by helping you make the right one. You should love yourself and not hate yourself afterwards because others’ words and actions have made you feel like shit.
Life is a series of left turns and right turns and if some bullshit backseat driving causes you hate your existence, it’s about time to drown that noise out. Those guys don’t understand your life because it’s your life. No matter how much they say they have struggled and that their life is worse than yours and you couldn’t begin to imagine the difficulty of life because you haven’t been in their shoes, remind yourself constantly: they just don’t understand. They will never get the idea that it’s not about them. They don’t know the first clue about what you got through because they are not you. They haven’t taken the courtesy to find out who you’ve become after all these years of living. You are not the person they’ve expected you to turn out. You are you.
It’s a make or break situation, especially if you’re where I am. Losing faith in those you thought would save you is horrible. But the more I tell myself “they don’t get it” it’s like someone lifting a filter from my eyes and I can see clearer. Never view anyone else as perfect because you’re then expecting them to be something they’re not. Don’t ever believe that their life if perfect and because of that they will have the answers to your problem. We’re only as perfect as we believe ourselves to be and not because other people think we are.