Don’t want to go outside today…or ever!


Alexander Carmine, that’s me. Or Alex, whatever you prefer. That’s all you need to know about my identity.

I’m at university though, I’ll say that, so you can imagine someone who’s terrified of young adults would be in that scenario.

Crime Scene #1:

I got a haircut last week, one the barber absolutely butchered. Plus, I’m surrounded by laughing twenty-something year-olds so I’m shrinking into my chair thinking that everyone is laughing at my God-awful ‘do.

Crime Scene #2:

Had some group projects to do. Yay(!) Talking to people who are smarter than you is a fantastic way to boost morale. Considering these guys are getting placements for next year and great marks in their coursework while I self-pity and self-loathe while reading Tumblr posts about said self-pity and self-loathing, I’m not surprised while I lack in the academic area. So I shy away from group meetings as well as socialising, just to make me feel that tiny, little bit better.

Safe to say I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last two and a bit years. Just as safe to say, 90% of that time was spent outside of friends and family, it was a pressure and list of expectations that I couldn’t handle. I’m afraid of taking that step. Whenever there were flatmates in the kitchen, I would leave and get takeout instead of cooking. I never looked for part-time work, I was scared of looking like an idiot in front of people who were good at their jobs. I didn’t join the gym because I was afraid of being out of place inside a building with muscle-bound jocks (No, I’m not American but I couldn’t think of another word).

But I’ve realised that the family and friends I do have are my rock and I would attempt anything to make them happy. At times I go out of my way, sometimes too out of my way and, yes, sometimes I feel the appreciation isn’t returned as much as I wished. That’s one of my biggest fears; that the people I care about will forget me. There are really close friends that I had who I’ve stopped talking to (it’s the distance mostly) and I wish to talk to them, return to old times. What can I say? These people move on better than I think I ever could. I wonder how much of an impact I’ve made in their lives. The people I care for, who have made me a better person than I could have ever thought, I’ll do anything to return that.

Well, that’s enough of that. Tomorrow’s gonna be about my crush. Might even have been love, still not  quite sure if I’ve moved on yet. Suppose that says something about me.

Author: HotCocoaAndPotatoSalad

real talk

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