My aim is to give advice to all you out there with this particular fear. I should just start of by saying that I am a hypocrite as I never followed this advice. It’s too late now, but it doesn’t have to be too late for you guys.
I have always been terrible with girls. It’s bad enough I struggle with normal talk. This area, the feminine dominion, is one that has a protective enchantments that really doesn’t want to let me through (and, yes, cursing them like Voldemort doesn’t work).
I’ve had developed two crushes in my life, the first for a year, the second is a bit more complicated. Their similarities didn’t surprise me, they were both beautiful people, in every sense of the word: beautiful. But the differences made me confused. The first was pretty in a girl-next-door kinda way but she had a conserved charm to her. She wasn’t loud or constantly joking, which reminded me of myself slightly. She had a boyfriend who was one of my friends, a really good person. He kept denying he liked her when I first met them both. Eventually, we pressured (almost forced) him to ask her out. He did and that was that. There was no way I was going to ask her, I feared the rejection, especially from someone who didn’t know me as well as she knew her to-be boyfriend (they had known each other a while). It would hurt me more as well, my friend was good to her and still is. So, after about a year, I stopped feeling that feeling. It occurred to me we had nothing in common that would have made the relationship meaningful in the long-term. I wasn’t going to be with her if it meant her being upset as it progressed.
The second case of feely-feels still hangs around today, at least, I think it does. This girl wasn’t as pretty as the first, not in the conventional way, I’m not a pig, I’ll explain if you keep reading! I met her through a mutual friend. This girl was loud, always joking and anything but conserved, she was really open. In that way, she was totally different to me. When I first met her, she would joke around with us (I started to hang out with this new group of friends a lot more). I started to live for these moments where she just laughed, talked and all-round just was being herself. Slowly, I started to talk a bit, to the group of friends, some jokes even I started. It was the moment I discovered a different person. Not that I became a party-hard, dance-down-the-hall person but I wasn’t timid or shy, I was more open. I was really happy being with these friends, with her. I met her boyfriend a while after that. He’s also a good guy. I didn’t talk to him much, he usually didn’t hang out with those guys, at least not when I was there, at this point I had known the group for a half a year and hadn’t met this boyfriend. So when he appeared, it kind of deflated. I became quiet again, I started to phase myself out a bit. The group used to go out, not going to specifically say where, but I would never have direct one-on-one conversations with her. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Upset? Angry? All I knew was that I couldn’t let anyone know. This isn’t a movie, you don’t admit this stuff. I talked to her online for a while and slowly stopped. I didn’t want to be in that desperate state anymore.
These experiences, which I never though I would ever have, taught me things. Beautiful isn’t a face, it’s a mind. For every bit the first crush’s personality reminded me of me, the second crush was the one I fell for because of how different she was to me. Was I in love with either of them? I don’t know, if someone could tell me what feeling in love feels like, maybe I’ll know. What I know is, if things could have been different, I could have made a girl I care for so much really happy and I would have done it sooner.
My message is to anyone who thinks that they might be in love. At times I couldn’t sleep or think without my crush entering my mind. Sometimes, it still happens today. It hurts, knowing they’re happy and it’s not because of you. If you know someone you care for, don’t wait for him/her to get away, ‘cos s/he will, s/he’s a beautiful person and you’re not the only who’s recognised. Just tell him/her. I realised too late the pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of never-knowing, and you don’t deserve that. You might end up with what you’ve been wishing for.
And if s/he is taken, well, keep reading my blog. At least you can relate, right?