Things I do

This one gets a little bit more personal. I’m just gonna go ahead and share the “socially anxious” things I do daily. Enjoy!

1. I hide in my bedroom

Pretty standard to start off. The majority of my day is spent in my room. This is deliberately done so I avoid running into people. I find small talk really hard so running into flatmates in the flat corridor makes me uncomfortable. Most of the time it ends up being a “Hey, what’s up?” and then silence and I just want to get as far away from the as possible. I actually have a food policy as well. We have a shared kitchen  which is empty most of the time. I’m at university, which student in their right mind is cooking when they can be getting take-away? Anyway, my policy is I’ll eat from the kitchen most of the time but if I hear my flatmates’ voices coming from the kitchen I get take-away. That way I don’t have to stand there listening to them talking about how best of friends they are while I’m stirring pasta and just listening on the side.

2. I don’t hang out with large groups of people

Most of the time, I have difficulty trying to get my words across. And when I do, it irritates people. I am notorious for interrupting people when they are trying to talk. However, I crave undivided attention. Feeling ignored hurts me, more than it should and that often happens when with a group of people. You all know the feeling, right? What if I just left? Would anyone even realise I was gone? This is me in every group situation. I just play on my phone (games, not social media because, come on, nobody talks to me on that, let alone real life). It’s not paranoia either. I’m also part of WhatsApp group chats and my messages get ignored on all the time. It’s scary, too, the amount of times it happens.

3. I develop crushes really easily

If I had a penny for every time I got a crush in my life, I might be able to buy some friends. This is easily the feature I am most embarrassed about. Throughout my school years, I had few close friends. I never got the attention from kids my age. It didn’t help that I looked Weird Al from the White and Nerdy music video. I was often picked on and made fun off for my skinny physique and my lisp. This carried on in high school. By the time I reached college, my confidence dropped so hard. I felt that nobody wanted to be my friend. So any time some guy asked for my help with work, I was like, “Does this guy want to be my friend?” And, even more worse, when ever any girl so much as smiled at me, I would think about it for the following few weeks. To this day, I am ashamed of it. I hadn’t realised how desperate I was. Now, I just keep my head down and rarely talk to girls, I don’t even sit near them in class. I just stay at the back, ironically, for the sake of my pride.

4. I constantly look out the corners of my eyes

This one may just be me. This is a habit I developed really early and is mainly due to my self-consciousness. I am constantly thinking people are judging me by the appearance of my hair, my clothes, even my looks that I want to see if they are looking at me weird, you know, like, disdainfully. But I don’t want them to know I’m looking at them to see if they are, so I flick my eye to the corner to get a quick glimpse. It’s become horrendously habitual. To make it worse, it’t not as discrete as you would think. I have been caught many times doing it, so guys think I’m weird and girls think I’m a creep. Aces.

5. Wearing boring clothes

Blacks and dark blues. It’s pretty much the scope of it. I’m not really into branded clothes like my brothers, cousins and friends are. I like TV show, movie and video game shirts. Doctor Who, Assassin’s Creed, Marvel Cinematic Universe, WWE. Standard Nerd Dressing 101. Someone said  to me it’s weird. So naturally, I think everyone thinks it’s weird. The last thing I want is for people to see the way I’m dresses and think I’m a weirdo. So, I bought a black hoodie, some navy jeans and coats, black shirts and blue shoes. I wear these when I’m in front of people, hoping I just blend in, that my clothes are so boring that nobody would even look at me.

6. Mental review

Overthinking. I think you all can relate. Whenever I’ve had a social encounter, I go home and relay  the following thoughts.

OK, that went well, right?

They liked you didn’t they?

You didn’t say anything inappropriate, did you?

Well, what about that thing  you said?

That wasn’t stupid was it?

OH MY GOD, that was so stupid!

Why are you so stupid?!

Great, now they think you’re stupid.

Just stay home, they can do better than you.

OK.

Well, nice to get all that out there. There are a bunch more but I think I got most of it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Next one will be up soon.

Author: HotCocoaAndPotatoSalad

real talk

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