So I’m back. It’s been a while since I wrote but I usually write when I feel I’m in a bad place. Nothing serious, just when I’m bored and my video games, TV shows and YouTube can’t cut it. I was at home with my family for the holidays and they really help ground me. Oh, sure, they drive me up the wall sometimes but at least they’re there and for the most part, I think they want to be there.
Anyway, I’m back at uni now. So, the loneliness starts to set in after a while. I miss being home, I hate studying, I just want to be with my family. There is one thing that did happen over the holidays that I wish never happened. It opened some old doors and for the most part it was instant pain and then a long ache, I hate those.
Doing some last minute shopping in Tesco, Mum asked me to get some pasta, we had guests at our house the entire day. So, she sent me in to get some bags, buy them and head out. What could go wrong?
Couple weeks back, I wrote how I had huge crushes on two girls, they were the first two girls who I met where I was really scared I may have been falling in love. Well, I was walking down one of the aisles and I saw the first one (for the blog, I’m just going to call her Jennifer). Jennifer hadn’t seen me (thank God, I was wearing a dirty hoodie and tracksuit on account of me helping out my uncle with some refurbishments) but in that moment my heart felt like it had enlarged and dropped down to my stomach. That weird burn was on the inside of my gut and I just wanted to get out. There was no way I could handle talking to her. I kept my head down and just walked away. I was almost panting and I wanted to go home.
She was still as beautiful as I remembered, just casual beauty, it’s the best kind. That’s when I got even more scared. Why was I feeling like this? Had I not gotten over her? Part of me was frightened because I was worried I might never get over her. Jennifer was the first person I ever really felt for.
Maybe I never truly stopped caring. I’ve never been close with anyone in that sort of way. Girlfriends, romance and all that has never been up my street. My confidence was battered and crippled during my high school days and I never really felt like I was capable of impressing a girl. Jennifer and – I’m just going to call her Samantha – Samantha were two people who were good-natured, funny in their own ways and beautiful. They deserved so much more than me, someone who could give them what they wanted and, more importantly, someone who wasn’t afraid to give them what they wanted. All my life I’ve been holding prior commitments, things I’ve been taught to believe are my responsibilities and I believe they are. That doesn’t make it any less hard when I feel what I felt at that store when I saw Jennifer.
I suppose the important thing is being true to yourself. Sacrifice what you want to do the things you know you need to do. Have the patience to be able to endure the pain because I honestly believe, one way or another, you’ll be rewarded for doing so in the future. I know I’m not the only one in the world who feels like this. That’s the point of this blog, knowing that no matter what your circumstances are, you are not alone.