Low-level social anxiety, I can just about handle. It gets lonely at times, as often I feel I make fiends with people who don’t understand how I feel (so, thank you, guys, for understanding). All my friends, are incredibly social, they hang out in their flats or when they go out. Sure, I get a little envious, it’s not that I wish they wouldn’t do it, I just wish I would be considered. And even then, that’s not completely true because if they do invite me, I’d probably say no because I would be subconsciously comparing myself to them, so most of the time I’m happy to stay at home. Just your average anxiety, wanting something and getting scared when you get it.
I’ve had that for a long time and I’ve learned to live with it. But I haven’t posted in a couple of days and there’s a reason for that. My mid-term exams started (on my birthday, too!) and exams terrify me. Not just the fact that I’ve hated the concept of academic examination all my life but it was what exam results represented in society, social classes are created immediately after the end of an examination. A-grade means upper class, E-grade means dirt. And being a socially anxious 21-year-old who is always scared about what other people think of him, it’s pretty safe to say exams stress me out. A lot rides on me and my siblings when it comes to exams, we’re the future of the family. But as i’m the eldest, I’m the one that sets the bar, which terrifies me even more.
The last week was a really bad week. I felt so stressed out as I wanted to make sure I did well in my exams and my course is complex and there was a lot to go over. I also procrastinate heavily so putting my mind to just work for extended periods of time was torture. I ended up doing all-nighters to stay awake, even drinking Red Bull, which I never do. I would go into the exam feeling terrified and walk out trying to divert the worry and replace it with concentration for the next one.
The night before my last exam was painful. I felt exhausted, even more stressed. My parents were asking me how I was feeling about the exam and I have no response. Their disappointment in me is the worst feeling I experience and I experience it a lot. I thought I was doing what was by picking a course that was socially thought of as ‘clever’ and ‘model’ but I just wanted to go home. I was tired, and not of the exams, I was tired of what my life had become, a complicated mess.
I have a question for you guys because I don’t know the answer: am I depressed?
One of my friends who I met during my time here suffers from depression and I’ve never understood it. I really tried to, I put a lot of effort into empathising and, to be honest, I don’t think I’m that good at it because I didn’t know how to make him feel better when he was depressed.
However, for the first time in a long times, momentarily, I hated my life. I regretted all the choices I had made up to that point because, let’s face it, I made a lot of stupid decisions and they’ve shaped who I’ve become and I did not like the final result. I was exhausted, I hated what I was doing and I did not want to leave my flat unless it meant going home, as far away as I felt comfortable. I miss when it was easy and I could make people smile with my grades and I could make friends easily. I couldn’t believe I had made it to this.
I guess it just emphasised the fact that in life there’s no such thing as a pointless decision. Eventually, everything comes back and depending on how you choose, it will help you or bite you. Don’t play with your life like a game, incorporate some thought in your decisions. Think, not worriedly, just rationally, do what’s best for you and you will realise that you don’t have to worry because you are in control of your life. I know this, because it’s the opposite of what I did. My decisions were not healthy, I was stuck in the ways of trying to live the life others wanted for me and my life has sucked more. Nobody deserves that.
Live for yourself. There is no point in trying to please others because it will hurt so much if you can’t do it. Just make your life what makes you happy. You want to buy those shoes, buy them. You don’t want to go to university, then don’t. You want extra hot chilli with the chips, drown your chips in the stuff.
Good night, you potatoes. Enjoy the cocoa.