No, I’m not dead. I don’t know if anyone cared but it’s just a forecast, don’t argue at the weather guy, you come over here AND SAY IT TO MY FACE! (scared myself a little!)
People often tell me to describe anxiety. Well, they don’t call it anxiety, I refuse to put a label on it as I want to defeat it on my own ground. But it’s popular knowledge around all the people who know me that I’m often never around friends and constantly reject invitations to parties and get-togethers. In an attempt to understand and empathise, I am often asked to describe it. I’ve made it a strong point that I believe I don’t have an intense case of it and I do believe there are levels of social anxiety. My levels are at the can just about handle being around lots of people and not show signs of panic to an extent. However, the moment I come home, I’m weak and exhausted and replaying the event in my mind on my loop. I know people sometimes can’t even handle a single minute in that type of scenario and can often fall into panic attacks or worse. This isn’t me boasting that I’m stronger than all my counterparts but me acknowledging that there are people who are stronger than me who deal with worse.
When I describe my anxiety, I call it a ‘voice’. I can never quite make it out, who the voice is, is it a voice I have invented? But how can I? I don’t think people can create voices but it’s always there telling me, pestering me: What did you do wrong? He can’t stand you? Why do you even exist? It’s persistent and vile and just appears. It’s the verbal embodiment of your worst fears, telling you that they are true and they will always be there. It puts you in a constant state of terror that you are unloved and unwanted and unworthy.
Now, I know this might make me sound crazy. Oh, this guy hears voices in his head and he lets them control him. In a weird way, it’s kind of true. I do let that voice just take control of me at times and it humiliates me in ways I know and hate. I’ve been in a battle with it for most of my teen life and still today.
The key to beating this is to realise that you are in control of your mind, always. When you hear that voice, it’s your fears speaking but it’s your mind they come from. Realise that your mind is able to be doing the things you’re doing. If you feel you are unworthy of your friends, remember that those people are your friends because they care about you, regardless of how scared you are. If you feel like your family hates you for whatever reason, remember that your family will always care for you, even though they may not always understand (I understand that there are exceptions to this, I’ll try and broaden in the next post).
Realise that your mind is controlled by you and you’ll realise that the voice that reminds of your fears cannot drag you down from who you are. So, you’re scared of those little things today. Continue your life, strengthen your life and you’ll eventually beat that voice.
Good night, you potatoes. Enjoy the cocoa! 🙂