I made up that expression. Thinking of titles is hard but I’ll clarify what it means the more I explain. Sorry, it’s been a while, I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks with ups and downs, moments of enthusiasm followed by moments of disappointment.
So let’s jump into today’s topic, shall we?
I’m in my second year of university right now. I’ve had a catch-up year with broke me in and a first year which wrung me dry but I somehow made it through. I had three friends in my break-in year. They were really good guys but we went to separate courses the following year and grew apart. I didn’t make many friends in the first year of course, in fact pretty much none. I tried to change that this year. One of my friends from sixth-form, who’s also in my course, invited me to a meet-and-greet for his committee. Any other day I would decline, I wasn’t for being around people in a large group and not knowing any of them. But I made myself do it, I convinced myself to just be me and…well, talk to people. It didn’t go as swimmingly as it did in my head but I talked to people. I even met up with one of the friends in my first year. Turns out he was friends with my mate from sixth-form.
I wasn’t as satisfied with my new venture into social confidence so I decided to take it a step further. I signed up as a member of the committee, meaning I would attend the meetings and plan future events and, more importantly, get to know some new people. And a good bunch they are. Honestly, they are some of the best people I’ve ever met. Sincere, funny, the personalities gel together well enough to be a new hit sitcom.
I’ve gotten to know most of them, not to a close level. It’s been years since I’ve had a “close friend” but enough to know that they are good people. They try to make me feel welcome in their circle and I’m grateful for it. But I can’t help but feel like an outsider. In my head, joining an already formed gang of friends seemed like a good idea but I realised that I had just dropped myself in something I didn’t fully understand and in return, couldn’t allow them to fully understand me.
They have their inside jokes, their history and I’m not in any of them. I’ve always valued one true friendship over many relations and me trying to be good friends with these great people just feels like me try-harding. I’m ignored in chats, our individual conversations are stale. I’m beginning to doubt if I’m even genuinely like by these people. And it’s not even their fault. These voices in my head won’t shut up, they just keep talking and talking. Do I even belong with these people?
I have to settle for the fact that I will only ever have friends and not those close friends I prize more. Still, I’m appreciative of what I have so I won’t complain anymore.
A rabbit in a cheese house. Surrounded by mice, who are all eating away while the rabbit just sits there. Maybe the rabbit wishes another rabbit was there, but, hey, mice are pretty damn cool in the mean time.
I feel like my usual sign out is a bit too on the nose. I’ll think of something more cool in the future. 🙂
And a final word to the friends I have made. I know you don’t read this, so this is more for me. Maybe at times I believe I don’t belong around you, but thanks for not leaving me alone.