I don’t remember the last time they complimented me for anything. Seriously, am I that useless at this point?
I had so much potential once upon a time. I had the grades, the personality, the drive, the motivation. Their pride in me. Then, the expectations came in. I thought I would be able to meet them. I go out of my way to be able to do what others expect of me because I like to make other people happy, I guess. Suppose that was the beginning of my downfall. Constant mistakes and wrong decisions lead me to doubt my abilities, made me forget where my heart lies, what future it wanted left to make room for the future my mind convinced me I wanted.
I let them down. Over and over and over and over. Thinking back, I can remember the last time they looked at me with genuine pride, when the look in their eyes was virtually shouting they were proud. Now, I see disdain, disappointment and frustration. They can reassure me that everything they do is because they love me and just want the best. But do they think I don’t listen? Their words conflict with each other. One time they say that they don’t care about my future because it was my future and there was no external pressure, other times they say the future isn’t just about me. One time they say that they will help me find work, other times it’s “why am I not looking for work myself?”. The fact is I don’t see love there anymore. It died a long time ago. Now, the support is there on instinct. If I wasn’t important they wouldn’t help me.
No more false faces. No more deeper meaning. No more looking at other perspectives. I am not solely responsible for all the bad shit I’ve been through. The more I try to convince myself that all my misdoings are completely on me and they are completely right, the more I feel nauseous every time I sit for five seconds alone in my mind. I have been without help for five years of the mess that is my life and the only reason I’m still kicking around is because I saved myself. They have done nothing to get where I am. The fact that I’ve made it this far is on me and they have done nothing.
The abuse is fine. It reminds me that they just don’t understand. They have no idea. It’s kinda funny, I’m smiling while typing this sentence right now because I always thought they knew everything, but they don’t. They know nothing about me. They have no idea who I am, what their words have done to me. They see a 21 year old failure, who can’t mature up, stick to the task. Fine, see me that way because the first time in my pitiful existence, I don’t care what you think. I’m the only one who matters right now and that is more motivation and drive than you have ever given me.
Yeah, you want the best for me, you want to see me reach my full potential. How about I do that, once you apologise for making me feel like shit?