Over-thinking is a curse.
You hypothesise how you should have done something after messing up, you think how you are going to tackle something, imagining scenarios that are not going to happen but prepare for them anyway. You end up checkmating your own mind and losing the battle.
I spend a lot of time over-thinking. I have always believed my faults to be of my own making. I can try and convince myself that it was his fault, her fault or their fault, but if there’s one thing I have learnt in my perfectly ordinary life is that I have not learned to stand by my choices. Bending to the whim of others instead of tackling my problems head on is the reason why I never get what I want. I have to learn to make good decisions and learn from bad ones, but I have to make those decisions myself and to hell to anyone who does not like my decision at the time.
I would rather blame myself than blame others and I have been like that my whole life but I want to start saying you messed up there to myself instead of saying why did he tell me to do that?! I do not regret my own choices, it is how I learn. I regret learning mistakes I could have avoided because I was too scared to stand up for myself in the beginning.
I believe that these mistakes started from somewhere, mistakes that have intertwined, fused and coalesced to bring me where I am now. My self-esteem could be more, my confidence could be improved but I still have a job in a decent field, I make bad jokes, my family love me and I am making my own decisions. How could I have improved my life? What should I have done and what can I do now?
Over-thinking is a curse, one that obviously has not left me yet. But if I can get to the crux, discover some answers, I might be able to help myself as well as help others.