Apologise

I’m always the one to forgive. Personally, I do not see anything bad about an apology, you won’t look any less in front of me, in fact, and you’ll only serve to be viewed as a better person. I’m always one to welcome someone back if they felt that they were out of line.

Fact of the matter is, I can’t trust someone who always thinks that they’re right. I don’t see anything humane about that. If someone can’t possess the humility to say they’re wrong and that they are sorry, then I don’t hold that person in high regard. The people who always tell you that they are right are the ones that are saying that you are wrong just because you’re not saying the same thing they are. There isn’t even a chance that they are wrong. They make you feel stupid, worthless and impossible to improve.

I am by no means a perfect person. God knows, I’ve been wrong way more times in my life than I’ve been right. That’s what makes having this problem so hard. I can’t tell anymore. My head says I’m wrong when my heart says I’m right, I’m torn by what I should think or say and what I want to think and say.

But the amount of times I’ve been told I am wrong makes it impossible for me to try and live up to others reputation. I look at others and think I’ll never be as smart as them. I’ll never be as sophisticated as them. I’ll never be as successful as them. There is obviously a problem with me.

Truth is I think I’ve apologised so many times, it never occurred to me that maybe they’re wrong. I guess I’ll never know because I’ll never say anything, I can’t ever because that’s not who I am. There’s a time and a place to say something and unfortunately, that time will never come with them.

All I can say is, when it’s my time, I’m not gonna mess up.

I want an apology…

I don’t remember the last time they complimented me for anything. Seriously, am I that useless at this point?

I had so much potential once upon a time. I had the grades, the personality, the drive, the motivation. Their pride in me. Then, the expectations came in. I thought I would be able to meet them. I go out of my way to be able to do what others expect of me because I like to make other people happy, I guess. Suppose that was the beginning of my downfall. Constant mistakes and wrong decisions lead me to doubt my abilities, made me forget where my heart lies, what future it wanted left to make room for the future my mind convinced me I wanted.

I let them down. Over and over and over and over. Thinking back, I can remember the last time they looked at me with genuine pride, when the look in their eyes was virtually shouting they were proud. Now, I see disdain, disappointment and frustration. They can reassure me that everything they do is because they love me and just want the best. But do they think I don’t listen? Their words conflict with each other. One time they say that they don’t care about my future because it was my future and there was no external pressure, other times they say the future isn’t just about me. One time they say that they will help me find work, other times it’s “why am I not looking for work myself?”. The fact is I don’t see love there anymore. It died a long time ago. Now, the support is there on instinct. If I wasn’t important they wouldn’t help me.

No more false faces. No more deeper meaning. No more looking at other perspectives. I am not solely responsible for all the bad shit I’ve been through. The more I try to convince myself that all my misdoings are completely on me and they are completely right, the more I feel nauseous every time I sit for five seconds alone in my mind. I have been without help for five years of the mess that is my life and the only reason I’m still kicking around is because I saved myself. They have done nothing to get where I am. The fact that I’ve made it this far is on me and they have done nothing.

The abuse is fine. It reminds me that they just don’t understand. They have no idea. It’s kinda funny, I’m smiling while typing this sentence right now because I always thought they knew everything, but they don’t. They know nothing about me. They have no idea who I am, what their words have done to me. They see a 21 year old failure, who can’t mature up, stick to the task. Fine, see me that way because the first time in my pitiful existence, I don’t care what you think. I’m the only one who matters right now and that is more motivation and drive than you have ever given me.

Yeah, you want the best for me, you want to see me reach my full potential. How about I do that, once you apologise for making me feel like shit?

Being Shy

Being shy is kind of a weird thing today.

Like this is how it feels in my shoes. When a professional situation calls for it, I rise to the occasion. My part-time job requires me to be able to talk to a whole bunch of people. I tell myself, this is just work, you’ll never see these customers again, just make that one first impression, follow the script the boss gives you and you’ll be fine. And I am fine.

Talking to people my age, socially, that’s hard. Like, I can’t start a conversation for shit. I’m sorry, I’m not really special. I’ve had an average life up until this point. There isn’t something special about my personality that I can think of. I’m average at sports or video games and it’s been a while since I’ve read a book. I find it hard to make jokes that people find funny, most of the time it ends up cringey. So, you’re gonna have to start the conversation, you’re gonna have to make the jokes. I’ll laugh, my sense of humour ranges from awkward jokes to edgy laughs. You know, I just like getting lost in a person’s words. This person is taking the time to talk to me? Why wouldn’t I listen?

It’s even worse if I think the person is attractive. You know when a person talks about something they really like, the way their face lights up? I love it when that happens to someone, I like witnessing that. I’m not in love or anything, it’s just that glow on a person’s face when they love what they’re talking about is something to behold.

So, yeah, just keep talking, I’ll make a comment every now and then because I want to know more. I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t done anything remotely as interesting, I just didn’t get out much growing up I guess. I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to try and keep the person entertained. To be fair and grateful, my friends always tell me that they like my conversation. But you know, I’m plagued with doubt and it takes a lot to convince me someone actually cares.

I guess given how I’ve grown up and knowing the people I’ve known, today I’m always willing to get lost in people because I have never gotten the chance to do that with a lot of the people I know. This overbearing need to listen to people’s stories made me realise I haven’t done a lot.

So I just stay quiet. I don’t talk, I just listen. It’s all I know how to do.

Perfect

Nobody my age is a stranger to the stresses of life. I mean, it’s the first time you realise how shit life is. You might know someone who has it good. Maybe you’re jealous, maybe you’re not. They have a job, somebody special that they care about, parents who raised them with good morals, open to the thought of their children trying to do the best with what they’ve been given without judging them for the decisions they’ve made. You don’t hate these people because maybe they’re your friend. You’re proud because they’ve been able to take a shitty scenario and make it something worth standing back and appreciating.

Then there’s your life. A string of bad decisions have lead you to lead away from what your potential could have been. You started to take other people’s feeling and views to heart too much. You lose sight of the most important thing: it’s your life. You live others dreams or your shape your dreams to suit the whims of others. One wrong decision leads to panic, panic leads to another wrong decision. You don’t want to hate those you care about but the judgement crawls back to you and you go somewhere dark. Somewhere where you think things you didn’t think someone like you would ever think.

The worst thing is that others don’t realise the consequences of their actions. That’s the only thing that keeps my head on track. That at the end of the day, everybody else doesn’t understand. Doesn’t matter who it is, those who you hold close, the ones you’ve looked up to, expecting them to be able to help you and make it better, they just don’t understand. Once you realise that they’re human and not the superheroes you thought they were your whole life, you can move on. They can’t fix your problem, only you can. Bear the brunt of the consequences of your actions, you’re gonna have to. Life is shit, who would have thought? Just remember that those people aren’t perfect, no matter how much they think they have the answer and that makes them right and you wrong. They don’t get it but you do.

Those dark thoughts are the result of your brain thinking that you’ve run out of options, you’ve exhausted all the possibilities and the final resort is done. But if you’re like me and your final resort was faith in other people, you’re wrong. Nobody and I mean nobody else is the last resort. Keep moulding the shit you have that is your life, keep trying to make something, no matter how much those who you care about are not showing the same compassion back.

Oh, they may say that everything they do is because they love you and don’t get me wrong, they do. Of course they do. You are an amazing human being, what’s not to love. You took the utter shit that is life and have made it this far. Are you kidding me?! That deserves all the universal reward possible. But, when people say love is unconditional, it amazes me how many conditions there are in that saying. Every action of love shouldn’t be complicated. You make a wrong decision, others should show love by helping you make the right one. You should love yourself and not hate yourself afterwards because others’ words and actions have made you feel like shit.

Life is a series of left turns and right turns and if some bullshit backseat driving causes you hate your existence, it’s about time to drown that noise out. Those guys don’t understand your life because it’s your life. No matter how much they say they have struggled and that their life is worse than yours and you couldn’t begin to imagine the difficulty of life because you haven’t been in their shoes, remind yourself constantly: they just don’t understand. They will never get the idea that it’s not about them. They don’t know the first clue about what you got through because they are not you. They haven’t taken the courtesy to find out who you’ve become after all these years of living. You are not the person they’ve expected you to turn out. You are you.

It’s a make or break situation, especially if you’re where I am. Losing faith in those you thought would save you is horrible. But the more I tell myself “they don’t get it” it’s like someone lifting a filter from my eyes and I can see clearer. Never view anyone else as perfect because you’re then expecting them to be something they’re not. Don’t ever believe that their life if perfect and because of that they will have the answers to your problem. We’re only as perfect as we believe ourselves to be and not because other people think we are.

Leo

OK, so not incredibly original, but seriously, charming and suave is Leonardo DiCaprio and this guy, dude, this guy is suave on another level, even if he won’t admit and if he reads this he’ll be like, “OK, so this guy is obviously crazy!” No, Leo, I am not, this is you.

Every so often, you’ll run into someone who just seems to have a way around people. You’d look at him or her and think this guy could be friends with anyone. He just has that manner. Always smiling, looking to make people smile, someone everyone should be friends with. If you’re feeling down you would just ask this guy to come over and chill because everything just seems so calm when he’s around, Drama runs out of the room and it’s replaced with just chill.

My new group already knew each other beforehand, which was always a little complicated to deal with. So I don’t know if they felt this way with Leo when I met him. Every conversation with him was a delight, it’d be funny or it would be heartwarming. There’d be relatable conversations and sometimes there would be deep conversations.

You could talk to this guy about anything and he would know how to talk back. And the group knew it, it wasn’t just me. They would talk to him and it was great to do it. I’m hoping he enjoyed it as much as we did.

He stopped hanging around us after a while. He left the committee, it was a lot to juggle with his course and everything. That vacant feeling was always there, and still is. Sure, we’d see him every now and then and it would be great, I’m happy that he did what he had to do for his own betterment, he deserves that. But, I liked that feeling of him being there and the group missed him, too.

We love you, Leo.

Darcy

It took me a considerable while to come up with this name, because truth be told, the character is a little bit hard to match. Darcy is a smart girl, who wears casual like all the time, kind of like me in that regard. I don’t see much of her these days so I don’t know her as well as I would like to but she’s very indoors-y, so I suppose she reminds me a lot of myself. I’m taking the name Darcy from Darcy Lewis, played by Kat Dennings in Thor and Thor: The Dark World. I’ve learnt she does like her Marvel movies.

But she is still incredibly important, because without a doubt the last year here at uni has been one of the best academic years of my life and she was the first new face I met in the year. It was a social gathering, designed by a charity group to try and help people make friends, an icebreaker if you will. I had run into Ned at the party and he was hanging out with her. Thinking back, I think our conversation had some pretty standard stuff, just finding out what course we were on and stuff. One of the things that I like about Darcy is her laugh. I know if she reads this ever, she’ll probably think I’m a creep but her laugh is magical. You can hear joy in that laugh and it always makes me smile when I hear it, regardless.

Like so many, I didn’t get to personally know her but she’s always fun to hang out with and can be pretty funny, too. She showed me that being a little bit awkward doesn’t have to mean regretting meeting people but instead, it just showed who you are. You don’t have to spend every waking moment trying hard.

Quick side note, Ned and Darcy are the first two people I’m talking about in regards to this last year. I already knew Ned and now I’ve met Darcy. By the end of the night, we signed up to the society that deigned the social and I ended up befriending some of the most amazing people who were on the committee. So the next couple of posts is gonna be about them.

I wanted to personally say, that I’m looking forward to writing these next few posts. Though, I know that they won’t read this themselves, I just have to tell someone how I feel about them and I don’t have the stones to say it to their face.

Up next: Leo

Ellie

Talkative, bubbly and always fun to talk to. I’m calling this girl Ellie, like from Pixar’s Up. She was eccentric and a little weird at times compared to the quieter Carl that was me. She was the first girl I met at uni and unknowingly helped with a problem I had always had: talking to girls.

I can remember the first time we met.  We sat in the classroom, I can’t even remember what class it was. The place was full but this was the first year for the people in that room and they were enthusiastic about wanting to learn. Groups of friends had already been made at that point and they were sitting in their little clans. There was the odd free seat scattered around the room so I just sat down. I hadn’t met the Three Amigos at that point so I was still finding my way.

And then this girl sat next to me. I guess she hadn’t made any friends at that point. Or maybe she had but she couldn’t see them or there were no spare seats where they were so she just sat there next to me. The class was boring, I could remember that, the lecturer had an incredibly quiet voice and it was hard to hear him even with the microphone.

I’m not exactly sure how our conversation started, all I know was that she told me her name and asked for mine and I was looking either forward or at my book the whole time. We ended up talking a lot in that class, specifically about TV and movies and music, she really liked her superheroes and Fast and Furious!

I suppose I have some sort of reverse-attention complex of some sort, it’s a part of my whole getting attached to things incredibly quickly. What you need to know about me is that I spent 5  early teen years in a boys school and developed two crushes in the space of two years in sixth form. I was worried that the same thing would happen with this girl, because if you knew me, you’d know that I become infatuated with any person that shows me attention, and so when this person is a girl, well, clinginess becomes a problem.

After passing this initial wave of I-don’t-even-know-what, things started to feel a lot more natural. I’ve known her for three years and we’re by no means super close friends, it’s actually been a few weeks since I’ve seen or spoke to her at this point. But that does not mean I’m any less grateful for meeting her. She provided the perfect gateway for me to be able to talk to people I had always been scared of talking to and reminded that when you find someone you could naturally talk to, it’s the best feeling. Like you’ve known each other for years.

Thank you, Ellie, for showing me that there isn’t a need to be scared when you just talk and try to be friends, by being yourself, even if t feels weird at first. Eventually, you connect. Maybe you don’t become best friends but the friendship you have at the time is enough to be happy.