Third Wheel Deal (rhyming, yeah)

My aim is to give advice to all you out there with this particular fear. I should just start of by saying that I am a hypocrite as I never followed this advice. It’s too late now, but it doesn’t have to be too late for you guys.

I have always been terrible with girls. It’s bad enough I struggle with normal talk. This area, the feminine dominion, is one that has a protective enchantments that really doesn’t want to let me through (and, yes, cursing them like Voldemort doesn’t work).

I’ve had developed two crushes in my life, the first for a year, the second is a bit more complicated. Their similarities didn’t surprise me, they were both beautiful people, in every sense of the word: beautiful. But the differences made me confused. The first was pretty in a girl-next-door kinda way but she had a conserved charm to her. She wasn’t loud or constantly joking, which reminded me of myself slightly. She had a boyfriend who was one of my friends, a really good person. He kept denying he liked her when I first met them both. Eventually, we pressured (almost forced) him to ask her out. He did and that was that. There was no way I was going to ask her, I  feared the rejection, especially from someone who didn’t know me as well as she knew her to-be boyfriend (they had known each other a while). It would hurt me more as well, my friend was good to her and still is. So, after about a year, I stopped feeling that feeling. It occurred to me we had nothing in common that would have made the relationship meaningful in the long-term. I wasn’t going to be with her if it meant her being upset as it progressed.

The second case of feely-feels still hangs around today, at least, I think it does. This girl wasn’t as pretty as the first, not in the conventional way, I’m not a pig, I’ll explain if you keep reading! I met her through a mutual friend. This girl was loud, always joking and anything but conserved, she was really open. In that way, she was totally different to me. When I first met her, she would joke around with us (I started to hang out with this new group of friends a lot more). I started to live for these moments where she just laughed, talked and all-round just was being herself. Slowly, I started to talk a bit, to the group of friends, some jokes even I started. It was the moment I discovered a different person. Not that I became a party-hard, dance-down-the-hall person but I wasn’t timid or shy, I was more open. I was really happy being with these friends, with her. I met her boyfriend a while after that. He’s also a good guy. I didn’t talk to him much, he usually didn’t hang out with those guys, at least not  when I was there, at this point I had known the group for a half a year and hadn’t met this boyfriend. So when he appeared, it kind of deflated. I became quiet again, I started to phase myself out a bit. The group used to go out, not going to specifically say where, but I would never have direct one-on-one conversations with her. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Upset? Angry? All I knew was that I couldn’t let anyone know. This isn’t a movie, you don’t admit this stuff. I talked to her online for a while and slowly stopped. I didn’t want to be in that desperate state anymore.

These experiences, which I never though I would ever have, taught me things. Beautiful isn’t a face, it’s a mind. For every bit the first crush’s personality reminded me of me, the second crush was the one I fell for because of how different she was to me. Was I in love with either of them? I don’t know, if someone could tell me what feeling in love feels like, maybe I’ll know. What I know is, if things could have been different, I could have made a girl I care for so much really happy and I would have done it sooner.

My message is to anyone who thinks that they might be in love. At times I couldn’t sleep or think without my crush entering my mind. Sometimes, it still happens today. It hurts, knowing they’re happy and it’s not because of you. If you know someone you care for, don’t wait for him/her to get away, ‘cos s/he will, s/he’s a beautiful person and you’re not the only who’s recognised. Just tell him/her. I realised too late the pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of never-knowing, and you don’t deserve that. You might end up with what you’ve been wishing for.

And if s/he is taken, well, keep reading my blog. At least you can relate, right?

Don’t want to go outside today…or ever!

 

Alexander Carmine, that’s me. Or Alex, whatever you prefer. That’s all you need to know about my identity.

I’m at university though, I’ll say that, so you can imagine someone who’s terrified of young adults would be in that scenario.

Crime Scene #1:

I got a haircut last week, one the barber absolutely butchered. Plus, I’m surrounded by laughing twenty-something year-olds so I’m shrinking into my chair thinking that everyone is laughing at my God-awful ‘do.

Crime Scene #2:

Had some group projects to do. Yay(!) Talking to people who are smarter than you is a fantastic way to boost morale. Considering these guys are getting placements for next year and great marks in their coursework while I self-pity and self-loathe while reading Tumblr posts about said self-pity and self-loathing, I’m not surprised while I lack in the academic area. So I shy away from group meetings as well as socialising, just to make me feel that tiny, little bit better.

Safe to say I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last two and a bit years. Just as safe to say, 90% of that time was spent outside of friends and family, it was a pressure and list of expectations that I couldn’t handle. I’m afraid of taking that step. Whenever there were flatmates in the kitchen, I would leave and get takeout instead of cooking. I never looked for part-time work, I was scared of looking like an idiot in front of people who were good at their jobs. I didn’t join the gym because I was afraid of being out of place inside a building with muscle-bound jocks (No, I’m not American but I couldn’t think of another word).

But I’ve realised that the family and friends I do have are my rock and I would attempt anything to make them happy. At times I go out of my way, sometimes too out of my way and, yes, sometimes I feel the appreciation isn’t returned as much as I wished. That’s one of my biggest fears; that the people I care about will forget me. There are really close friends that I had who I’ve stopped talking to (it’s the distance mostly) and I wish to talk to them, return to old times. What can I say? These people move on better than I think I ever could. I wonder how much of an impact I’ve made in their lives. The people I care for, who have made me a better person than I could have ever thought, I’ll do anything to return that.

Well, that’s enough of that. Tomorrow’s gonna be about my crush. Might even have been love, still not  quite sure if I’ve moved on yet. Suppose that says something about me.